Gentle Parenting starts before birth

This is (hopefully) the first in a series of "Gentle Parenting is..." posts. Quick disclaimer, this is what Gentle Parenting is to us, it's not necessarily a be-all-end-all definition. The crux of Gentle Parenting centres on the concepts of respect and informed choice not any particular technique, and those themes will come up again and again!

Baby BackRods is now over 3 months old, but we became Gentle Parents way before that.

For us, the two things we find most important in our parenting choices (especially when deciding what we will do) is to respect our child as a human with rights and feelings and then to do some research and make an informed choice. So how does that apply before birth?

Birth is already pretty traumatic for mother and baby (they don’t call it labour for nothing) and we felt it didn’t show respect for the process if we allowed any intervention, where medical professionals feel they have to get involved and hurry the process along. The baby will come out. They have to.

Informed choice does come in here, though, because the odds of something going wrong do increase with time - when you think about it, that's quite an obvious statement. At the same time, the dating process that doctors use is a little odd. It assumes a 28 day cycle and a gestation of exactly 40 weeks starting from the end of the last period. Neither of those are rock-solid assumptions. We chose to let nature take it's course unless something was obviously wrong.

We felt it would be disrespectful to our child to force them out with sweeps, inducement and instruments. It was either natural and normal and we could take our time over it or it was an emergency and it had to be quick. In all our research we could find no benefit (to us) to the heavily medicalised compromise between the two. Not everybody feels that way, of course, but it's why our son was born at exactly 42 weeks gestation without any undue intervention.

Unfortunately things exactly didn't go our way and eventually Baby BackRods was born by emergency c-section. But we had prepared for that, we had counted that as one of the options, we were open minded that it might happen, so we didn’t feel like failures. We didn’t need to, our son was born!

What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter how much we wanted a water-birth, how much I wanted to cut the cord, how much we wanted the placenta to be completely drained before the cord was cut, what matters is that we made our choices and we made our plan before the event. We had our birth plan to cover home or hospital birth, even our requests for the possibility of c-section. We were informed.

But it’s not just the birth itself, but then you also need to consider feeding, sleeping arrangements, transportation (i.e. pram or sling), and start to think how you will parent the child as they grow up. You can't just wait until you have a baby to think about these things, you need to start Gentle Parenting as soon as you become a parent (or even before) and not wait until you have a babe in arms.

I’ll probably come back to some of the other points in the future, but just for a quick rundown...

On feeding, we believe that formula is the 4th option for infant feeding:

1. Breastfeeding
2. Breastmilk in a cup, syringe or bottle
3. Donor milk
4. Formula

I won’t get into the Formula arguments, at least not now, but I want to make it clear that formula is an option, but not one we wanted to consider from the outset. It made more sense to Baby and Mrs BackRods to go for Breastfeeding and to do it on demand rather than to a schedule.

On sleeping, we co-sleep as this makes life generally easier, especially when breastfeeding.

On “transportation”, we babywear. Sometimes even when we’re in the house!

On parenting, we’ll be gentle and respectful...

As a couple we discussed many of these things whilst we were trying to conceive, we had discovered all these wonderful “alternative” parenting choices and ended up seeing how far the rabbit hole would go, and we’re still going! But that won’t be the case for everyone. Gentle Parenting can start any time, it can start before your first child or you can make the decision to change your parenting whenever. All I’m saying is that it can start before birth, not that it has to. :-)

Sorry for the break

It's been a while since I've posted. Sorry!

Here's the pattern I want to start:

• Weekly blog post about Gentle Parenting, parenting in the news and other related topics
• At least 2 updates a week to the Facebook page
• At least 2 unique updates a week to the Twitter feed

We want BackRods.com to become a community of like-minded individuals, as much as it is a shop. Please help us to build that community by getting involved!

On Unschooling...

Me and Mrs BackRods are fans of the unschooling method of home-education. It's something we intend to use with our unborn child and (hopefully) their future siblings.

Mrs BackRods came across this excellent post that I wanted to share with you. It's taken from An Unschooling Life, who are also on Facebook and Twitter.

Quite a few years ago someone asked this question on the unschooling.com forums (which is no longer there);

“What things have you found yourself explaining to others that unschooling is NOT? What commonly accepted notions does unschooling preclude or expose as nonsense?”

Here are some of the many answers that were posted;

It’s not school.
It’s not school-at-home.
It’s not “unit studies” because it’s not “studies.”
It’s not child neglect.
It’s not child-led curriculum.

It’s not “project-based” learning.
It’s not a method of schooling
It’s not leaving the child to figure out everything on their own.
It’s not required math and reading and “unschooling” everything else.

It’s not a cult.
It’s not a fad.
It’s not hiding your kids from the real world.
It’s not something you *do* Monday-Friday.
It’s not something you take a break from during the summer.
It’s not about curriculum or child-led learning, or unit studies, or expectations.

It’s not about changing my children, it’s about changing me.
It’s not about controlling.
It’s not about expectations.
It’s not living someone else’s idea of life.
It’s not traveling a previosly trodden path.

It’s not conforming to the ways and why’s of what everyone else is doing, how they are living.
It’s living an authentic life according to your own unique Spirit.
It’s not for everybody – meaning those that can’t understand it.
It’s not ‘easy’.
It’s not parents sheltering or controlling kids

It’s not denying children normal experiences
It’s not making learning happen.
It’s not school, but it’s learning.
It’s not easy, but it’s fun.
It’s not about “deciding what’s best” for our kids, but pursuing the best of life *with* our kids.

It’s not designing your children’s life based on your own ideal.
It’s not living by someone else’s standards, values and timetables.
Unschooling is not a twelve-year program that I have completed. It is a way of life. I didn’t merely do unschooling; I was and am an unschooler.
It’s not “making learning fun!”
It isn’t turning every event into a “lesson” – sometimes mud pies are just mud pies.
Unschooling isn’t failing my children.

Note: The conversation also included what unschooling IS and other members sharing their thoughts:

To me unschooling is the FREEDOM to live at PEACE, JOYfully, because you know, “Everything counts.” I love being able to bless my children with that knowledge, by confirming the value of their feelings, their thoughts, their accomplishments… their value of just being.

Unschooling is a child not having to choose to become something or someone . . . he/she already is exactly who they are. In order to do this, the adults in his/her life have to live consciously in order not to make that child feel they are “supposed to” live up to something or “be” a certain way or “do” a certain thing in order to be “acceptable”. It is exploring this world together, and enjoying the discoveries, and honoring how those discoveries shape how you think and feel. It is experiencing life’s opportunities, and sharing insights with each other on how those experiences stretch your understanding in becoming more aware of the divine nature within us all. It is providing opportunities to reach, to learn, to understand, to ponder, to reflect, to grow into the greatness we each possess within ourselves, for ourselves, whatever that may be.

Very powerful, wonderful and amazing to someone like me to finally realize that, as I stand on this threshold, with my children that I am not alone with these thoughts and that I CAN choose this path for my family. Quite a revelation!

Unschooling is expecting the unexpected. i.e. Set out 3-D house puzzles with some mini cars and Marble works all on the same table last night thinking 4yo nephew and 11yo dd would see them and go to town. Caught the 13yo happily playing with the goodies for two hours today! Then bil came in and made a beeline for the mini cars. Thought he was going to make off with a few! Fun, fun, fun.

It’s having respect for each other and It’s retracing ourselves and showing that respect in every action we take.
It’s living a rich and happy life.
It’s hearing your heart and creating your life accordingly!
It’s keeping yourSelf (children and adults) intact and Whole.
Unschooling is authentic.

It’s finding one’s own path
It’s allowing a child’s identity to unfold naturally
It’s about family.
It’s about living in the moment.
It’s about becoming.
It’s about joyful and honest relationships with those around you.
It’s about knowing yourself.
It’s about getting to know your children.

It's been a long time...

So I've sort of let BackRods.com slide. Sorry!

I've not added any new products, I've not shared anything through Facebook or Twitter and I've not added any blog posts. I've been a bad hippy.

However, can I attempt to excuse myself with the words "we're having a baby". Our first baby is due the first week of September! Great stuff!

So I guess it's got me recently thinking again about our parenting choices and the way we want to raise our kids. To many people our methods are going to appear completely wacky, like we're making a rod for our back... but frankly we'd rather our back be black and blue and our kids grow up healthy in mind, body and spirit than we use the rod on them and end up with us all damaged...

I've got a few projects on at the moment, but I really hope to have some new designs and new inspiration for you all soon.

Yours proudly holding a BackRod...

David

Great quote re: Doctors at birth (Barbara Harper)

Another great quote for you:

"Midwives see birth as a miracle and only mess with it if there's a problem; doctors see birth as a problem and if they don't mess with it, it's a miracle!"

~ Barbara Harper in Gentle Birth Choices

If you don't yet understand why that's such a true quote, read "Childbirth Without Fear" (Grantley Dick-Read) and/or "Safer Childbirth" (Majorie Tew).

Great quote re: breastfeeding (Amy Spangler)

Another great quote for you:

"While breastfeeding may not seem the right choice for every parent, it is the best choice for every baby."

- Amy Spangler

15% off in the shop

Between the 19th of April to the 9th of May we're running a promotion in our shop where you can get 15% off all Kids and Baby products!

All you need to do is pick your purchases and then use the coupon code APRILSALE.

This voucher is valid on any size order!